You're lying in bed next to your partner, physically close but feeling miles apart emotionally. Sound familiar?
The other day in my practice, a woman - let's call her Michelle - told me something that broke my heart. "Dr. Martha," she whispered, "I love my husband, but whenever he tries to get close - not just physically, but emotionally - I freeze up. Like there's this invisible wall. What's wrong with me?"
First thing I told her? Nothing is wrong with her. And if you're feeling this way too, nothing is wrong with you either.
The Thing About Emotional Intimacy
You know what's interesting? In my 15 years as a sexologist in Singapore, I've noticed something: most people think physical intimacy is the scary part. But actually? It's the emotional stuff that really makes us squirm.
Think about it - which feels scarier:
- Getting naked with someone, or
- Telling them your deepest fears?
- Having sex, or
- Admitting you feel insecure?
(I can hear some of you saying "both!" And yes, I get that too!)
Why We Build Walls
Here's something I've learned from my clients over the years: those walls we build? They're there for a reason.
Maybe you grew up in a family where nobody talked about feelings. (Classic Asian household, right?) Or maybe someone hurt you before. Or perhaps you learned early on that being "too emotional" wasn't okay.
One of my clients - a successful career woman in her 40s - told me: "I can run a company, but I can't tell my partner I need a hug." Ooof. That hit home for many of us, didn't it?
When Past Stuff Shows Up in the Bedroom
Let's get real for a minute. That emotional guardrail you've built? It doesn't just affect heart-to-heart talks. It shows up in the bedroom too.
I see it all the time:
- Feeling disconnected during intimate moments
- Having trouble expressing what you want
- Finding it hard to let go and enjoy pleasure
- Faking it because you're afraid to be honest
And you know what? All of this is so normal. Painful, yes. But normal.
The Truth About Trust and Touch
Here's something most people don't talk about: emotional and physical intimacy are like nasi lemak and sambal - they just go together!
When you're emotionally guarded:
- Your body tenses up
- It's harder to get aroused
- You might rush through intimate moments
- Pleasure becomes mechanical instead of meaningful
Starting to Open Up (Slowly!)
One thing I always tell my clients at PinkLifestyle: healing isn't a race. You don't have to bare your soul overnight.
Sometimes, starting small helps:
- Using massage oils for gentle touch (we have some really nice ones that aren't intimidating at all)
- Practicing saying small truths ("I had a rough day" counts!)
- Taking baby steps with physical intimacy
And yes, sometimes toys can help! Not just for physical pleasure, but as a way to explore trust and vulnerability together. We have plenty of gentle options for couples who want to explore this path.
When You Need Extra Support
Look, sometimes we need professional help to work through our walls. That's why I became a relationship counselor and sexologist - because this stuff is hard! And it's okay to need help.
If you're struggling:
- Consider couples therapy (it's more common in Singapore than you think!)
- Join support groups (yes, they exist!)
- Talk to understanding professionals (that's what we're here for!)
A Personal Note
You know what? Even as a sexologist, I've had my own journey with emotional walls. We're all human. We're all learning.
Whether you're:
- Just starting to realize you have walls
- Ready to work on opening up
- Looking for ways to connect deeper with your partner
We're here. No judgment. No pressure. Just support and understanding.
Come talk to us at PinkLifestyle.com. Or if talking feels too scary right now, WhatsApp us. Sometimes typing is easier than talking (trust me, I get it!).
With care and understanding,
Dr. Martha
Resident Sexologist of PinkLifestyle.com
P.S. Want to hear more stories about emotional intimacy? Check out my podcast "Eros Matters" - sometimes it helps just knowing you're not alone in this.
Dr. Martha Tara Lee is a Singaporean Chinese Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist, renowned for her pioneering work in sexuality and relationship education. She holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality, a Master’s in Counseling, a Master’s in Public Policy and Management, and a Bachelor’s in Communications. In 2009, she founded Eros Coaching to empower individuals and couples towards self-actualization and pleasure-filled lives. Dr. Lee has authored four books, including Love, Sex and Everything In-Between and Orgasmic Yoga: Masturbation, Meditation and Everything In-Between. She has been recognized as one of the Top 50 Inspiring Women under 40 by Her World in July 2010 and one of the Top 100 Inspiring Women by CozyCot in March 2011. Additionally, she hosts the weekly radio show Eros Matters.