"But everyone says sex is supposed to be natural, right?"
This is something I hear almost every week in my practice. And every time, my heart aches a little. Because after 16 years of specializing in vaginismus treatment, I know just how many women are suffering silently, thinking they're somehow 'broken' or 'not normal.'
Let me tell you something - you're not broken. And you're definitely not alone.
I've dedicated my career to helping women overcome vaginismus, training practitioners worldwide (my 4th training intake is coming up!), and most importantly, creating a space where we can talk about this openly and honestly.
Let's Talk About What's Really Happening
When a woman comes to see me about painful sex, often she's already been through so much. Sometimes she's tried everything Google suggested. Sometimes she's been to multiple doctors who told her to "just relax." (If I had a dollar for every time I heard that one...)
The other day, a client - let's call her Sally - told me she'd been feeling like a failure in her marriage for two years. "Everyone else can do this," she said through tears. "Why can't I?"
This is what vaginismus does - it doesn't just cause physical pain, it messes with your head, your relationships, your whole sense of self.
What Vaginismus Actually Is (And Isn't)
First things first - vaginismus isn't "all in your head" (hate when people say that!). It's a very real condition where your body goes into protection mode. Think of it like your eye automatically blinking if something comes too close - it's a reflex, not something you're choosing to do.
I see it happen for lots of reasons:
- Past experiences your body's trying to protect you from
- Anxiety about penetration
- Sometimes medical conditions
- And yes, stress (hello, Singapore lifestyle!)
- Often, it's a combination of things
Real Talk About Solutions
Here's something that drives me nuts - I keep seeing women who've bought dilators online and are using them without proper guidance. Listen: your vagina isn't just a muscle to stretch! Would you try to DIY physiotherapy for a serious knee injury? Probably not, right?
The same goes for lubrication. Don't get me started on some of the over-the-counter products I've seen people using... Let me break this down simply:
Water-based lubes are like your basic kopi - they do the job but need frequent top-ups. Silicone-based ones are like your premium kopi gao - they last longer but don't mix with everything. Hybrid lubes? They're like that perfect balance of both worlds.
But here's the thing - all the products in the world won't solve vaginismus on their own.
What Actually Works
In my 16 years of practice, here's what I've learned really makes a difference:
- Professional guidance (and I mean really professional - not just someone who read a few articles online)
- Understanding your own body's responses
- Learning about arousal (yes, this is super important!)
- Taking things step by step - no rushing!
- Having proper support throughout your journey
Why Experience Matters
Look, I'm going to be direct here - with vaginismus becoming more known, I'm seeing a lot of people suddenly claiming they can treat it. But treating vaginismus isn't like following a recipe. Every woman's journey is different, and experience really, really matters.
When I train practitioners around the world, I share not just techniques, but 16 years worth of understanding what works, what doesn't, and how to personalize treatment for each individual woman.
Ready for Real Help?
If you're struggling with painful sex or think you might have vaginismus, please don't suffer alone. While PinkLifestyle offers products that can support your journey, for comprehensive treatment, visit me at eroscoaching.com.
This isn't just about fixing a physical issue - it's about reclaiming your confidence, your relationships, and your right to pain-free intimacy.
With deep care and understanding,
Dr. Martha
Resident Sexologist of PinkLifestyle.com
P.S. Feeling shy about reaching out? Start by listening to my podcast "Eros Matters" where I talk about these topics openly. Sometimes just hearing others' stories helps you feel less alone.
Dr. Martha Tara Lee is a Singaporean Chinese Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist, renowned for her pioneering work in sexuality and relationship education. She holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality, a Master’s in Counseling, a Master’s in Public Policy and Management, and a Bachelor’s in Communications. In 2009, she founded Eros Coaching to empower individuals and couples towards self-actualization and pleasure-filled lives. Dr. Lee has authored four books, including Love, Sex and Everything In-Between and Orgasmic Yoga: Masturbation, Meditation and Everything In-Between. She has been recognized as one of the Top 50 Inspiring Women under 40 by Her World in July 2010 and one of the Top 100 Inspiring Women by CozyCot in March 2011. Additionally, she hosts the weekly radio show Eros Matters.